MSM
stands for men who have sex with men.
There
are lots of men who have sex with other men, but
do not consider themselves gay or bisexual. They
may identify as ‘straight,’ or they
may prefer not to be labeled at all. These men
are as much at risk for HIV transmission as gay
or bisexual men. The term “MSM” includes
these men, along with gay and bisexual men.
I
have HIV, but he doesn’t know it
HIV/AIDS
and my sex life
All
about condoms
Resources
and links for MSM:
Pima
County
Maricopa County
Other
I
have HIV, but my partner doesn’t know it.
If you’re in a relationship, depending on
what kind of relationship you’re in, you
might want to tell you partner, and he or she
might want to get tested.
You
may be involved in several relationships simultaneously,
or you may be playing the field. Should you tell
them all? What about past partners?
You
may not be involved with anyone right now, and
wonder what your diagnosis will mean for future
relationships.
Talking
about your HIV status can be extremely difficult.
There is no formula to follow, but these links
contain information and insights that might make
it a little bit easier.
Talking
about your status:
http://www.avert.org/positive.htm
(scroll down to “who to tell”)
http://www.beingalivela.org/news1298/1298%5Fdisclosing.html
(good advice on disclosure)
http://www.projectinform.org/pub/Ww1/ww_0107.html
(see “telling others about your HIV”…
this is written for women but has information
that’s useful for anyone)
What
does HIV mean for my sex life?
Whew.
This is not an easy question for anyone living
with HIV. The answer depends on who you are and
what you’re comfortable with.
Having
HIV does not mean the end of your sex life, but
it may change it.
We
suggest that you find out about the relative risks
of different sex acts, decide what works for you,
and act according to what you’re comfortable
with.
The
links below will take you to two interviews with
author Stephen Goldstone. The interviews are very
frank and very informative.
http://www.thebody.com/goldstone/interview.html
(On ‘gay sex’ and health)
http://www.thebody.com/goldstone/insouts.html
(More gay sex advice)
HIV
and “Safe Sex”
We’ve
all heard about safe sex, or safer sex. We’ve
been told that we’re supposed to use a condom
every time. So why does HIV continue to spread?
- Some
people don’t think that they’re
at risk for HIV/AIDS, even if they engage in
risky behavior. To find out if you’re
at risk, go to the risk assessment.
- Some
men feel the ‘safer sex’ message
is too simplistic- it doesn’t address
all the factors that come into play in their
lives.
-
Some men report ‘safe sex burn-out’
that is, they’re tired of hearing about
condoms, and more importantly, tired of using
them.
-
Some men believe that a cure for AIDS will be
found soon, so they see transmission of the
virus as not a big deal. (For more on this,
see
http://www.kaisernetwork.org/aids/2000/08/kh000822.5.htm
)
-
Beliefs about what is ‘safe’ and
what is ‘sex’ vary. For more about
gay men’s sex myths, go to http://www.safersex.org/ssex/sexmyths/index.html
HIV and Responsible Sex
The
‘safer sex’ message, for most people,
still means little more than ‘use condoms.’
This automatically limits our thinking about sex
to penetrative sex involving a penis. However,
many people have a much broader definition of
what sex is, and of what it means to be ‘safe.’
Since the ‘safer sex’ message doesn’t
address the broad spectrum of experiences and
needs of the positive community and/or the MSM
community, we’d like to propose a new term,
“responsible sex” as a replacement.
We didn’t make up this concept, or even
coin the phrase, but through hours of discussions,
we’ve decided the term ‘responsible
sex’ better expresses the point we want
to get across.
So
what does ‘responsible sex’ mean?
First of all, it doesn’t mean throwing condoms
out the window. For some people, condoms will
remain at the center of what they consider to
be safe, responsible, and reasonable.
‘Responsible
sex’ doesn’t mean the same thing to
everyone. It is as individual as we are.
Responsible
sex means looking more deeply at our own sexual
lives and the actual risks that we take. It means
finding out as much as we possibly can about the
risks involved in each of the activities that
we engage in, or want to engage in. Then, it means
examining how we feel about the risks associated
with different behaviors and deciding what we
will and will not do. Finally, it means sticking
to those decisions, even when we’re in love,
or drunk, or high, or low. Of course, human sexuality
is a dynamic thing, and how we feel about ourselves
and about sex will change. When these changes
happen, we hope that the choices we make will
be informed choices, not coerced choices.
“Responsible
sex” is not meant to be judgmental or moralistic.
“Responsible” means different things
to different people. It’s about being true
to ourselves, not about telling others how to
act or what to do.
In
order to better understand how individual this
concept is, several men who are living with HIV
will be writing down what ‘responsible sex’
means for them and we will post them here. These
are unedited, and of course they do not pretend
to represent the experiences or values of everyone
in the community. This is the first installment
of the series- we will be adding more as they
are written.
_____________________________________________________________
For me responsible sex may be different from
my peers. Since the virus was transmitted to
my body from practicing safe sex and the condom
broke, I've had to be more responsible to myself
than ever before. By doing this, I've had to
open myself to all my senses and utilize them
to the best of my ability to be more aware.
For instance, more aware of how it feels to
sense the condom breaking as a Bottom, as much
as a Top. More aware, of my comfort and relaxation
in having sex with other known Poz Men, as opposed
to those who haven't tested or haven't been
informed, no matter how inviting. I'll also
never forget the look of anguish and fear that
my sex partner displayed when he realized the
condom had broken, and he hadn't disclosed that
he had the virus. That was a situation that
I myself never wanted to experience. I could
go on, but to put it plainly, I had to master
being responsible for myself, in order to be
responsible to my partner, and hopefully being
responsible to the community by default.
_____________________________________________________________
When first diagnosed, I was hit with the news
that I had AIDS (t-cells count of 107) and it
hit me like a ton of bricks had fallen on me.
My initial response was denial and then fear
that I would soon be dead. I began medication
and I withdrew from everyone and retreated into
myself. I did not share the news with anyone
except my Mother. I guess my 'responsibility'
came in by being celibate for over 3 years out
of fear that disclosure would lead to rejection.
I have since gotten past all of that and now
I don't have a problem disclosing. In my current
relationship, I disclosed only to find out that
it made no difference to my partner who is HIV-negative.
I feel it would be my moral and personal responsibility
to disclose my status to anyone who I may have
an sexual interest in.
_____________________________________________________________
Remember, the stories above do not reflect the
views of all people living with HIV/AIDS.
We haven’t been able to find much published
material that deals directly with the ‘responsibility’
issue as we’re defining it. However, the
following two links are certainly worth checking
out-
http://www.positivenation.co.uk/issue80_81/features/feature3/feature3_1.htm
(great British story about people dealing with
HIV in relationships)
http://www.managingdesire.org/
(See the section on ‘theorizing desire in
the time of AIDS’- this has very interesting
discussions of desire, transgression, and gay
identity)
About Sex and Risk
Know
the risks of different activities, and decide
which ones are for you and which ones aren’t.
Then stick to your decision. This is not to say
your sexual choices won’t change over time
or that you shouldn’t experiment sexually.
The important thing is that you make informed
decisions about sexual activities and that you
feel good about what you do. You may find that
you feel better about engaging in lower-risk activities
because you know that you and your partner are
protecting each other and you don’t have
to go through those ‘morning after’
worries. Whatever you decide, check out these
links to find out how risky different sex acts
are.
Relative risks of activities
http://www.safersex.org/it.is/
What is safe? Relative risks
http://condomania.com/cgi-bin/SoftCart.exe/educate/manual/safe.shtml?L+condom+zebd1218+1034126907
Details risks and how to reduce risks
http://www.sexuality.org/concise.html
HIV
and Oral Sex
There
is ongoing debate about how risky oral sex is
for the transmission of HIV. It is agreed that
oral sex is much less risky than anal or vaginal
sex, but it is not risk-free. The risk of HIV
transmission may increase if there are lesions
on the genitals or in the mouth. Risk probably
increases when a man comes inside the mouth of
his partner, or if a woman receiving oral sex
is menstruating.
What the CDC wants you to know about oral sex
http://thebody.com/cdc/oralsex.html
Oral Sex
http://www.thebody.com/asp/may98/oral.html
Oral Sex and STDs
http://www.alice.columbia.edu/highlight/page3.html
Several articles on oral sex
http://www.aids.org/LinkLibrary/Prevention.htm#Oralsex
Also, go to http://www.aegis.org
and do a search for “oral sex” to
get a good selection of articles on the subject,
especially the relative risk of oral sex.
If
I already have HIV, why should I bother with condoms?
Using
condoms doesn’t only help to protect your
partners from getting HIV; condoms also protect
you from contracting other types of sexually transmitted
diseases and from reinfection*. If you don’t
feel that it’s up to you to insist on using
condoms for the sake of your partners, then insist
on using condoms for your own sake. Sexually transmitted
diseases can be extremely serious for people living
with HIV, because HIV weakens the immune system
and compromises your body’s ability to fight
infections. For more on STDs and reinfection,
see these:
Brief
description of STDs
http://www.sexuality.org/safesex.html#C12
Gay men and STDs
http://www.thebody.com/sowadsky/gaymen.html
Reinfection and condoms
http://hivinsite.ucsf.edu/InSite.jsp?doc=2098.42ed&page=pr-04-02
*Reinfection
and superinfection are contentious issues in the
medical and scientific worlds. As there are many
different strains of HIV out there, and some of
them are immune to certain AIDS medications, it
is argued that a person with one strain of HIV
could become infected with another strain that
would then make that person’s medicines
ineffective. It has been shown that people who
are newly infected can be infected with a strain
of the virus that is resistant to some AIDS medications.
I know I should use condoms with my partner(s),
but I don’t know if I can use them every
single time.
This
is a difficult position to find yourself in, and
most people living with HIV have been there. Most
of us have a hard time talking openly and frankly
with our partner(s) about sex, but if you’re
going to have anal or vaginal sex, then using
condoms correctly and consistently is the best
way to protect yourself. Alternatively, there
are many ways to be intimate with a partner that
are completely safe and that don’t require
a condom. Be creative!
All about great safe sex for men and women.
http://www.sexuality.org/safesex.html
Safe sex that doesn’t involve latex condoms.
http://www.thebody.com/sowadsky/nonlatex.html
These
are some very useful links that can help you to
talk to your partner or partners about having
sex that is healthy and fun for both of you.
http://www.safersex.org/ssex/talksmart/index.html
http://condomania.com/cgi-bin/SoftCart.exe/educate/manual/negot.shtml?L+condom+zebd1218+1034126907
I’m afraid to have sex with anyone because
I might give them the virus too.
This
is a common reaction to a positive diagnosis.
You can have an active and healthy sex life if
you choose to. You may choose not to, however,
at least for a time.
All you’ve ever wanted to know about
condoms, including their history.
How
to use condoms- female condoms too
http://www.avert.org/usecond.htm
History of condoms from Egyptian times
http://www.avert.org/condoms.htm
Article about rates of condom misuse
http://www.kaisernetwork.org/daily_reports/rep_index.cfm?DR_ID=13333
All about condoms
http://www.condomania.com/index.cgi?1020
How to use a male condom
http://www.safersex.org/condoms/how.to.use/
All about condoms- straight-focused
http://condomania.com/cgi-bin/SoftCart.exe/educate/manual/aboutcon.shtml?L+condom+zebd1218+1034126907
Male and female condoms how-to, condom myths
http://www.aids.org/FactSheets/152-condoms.html
MSM
Resources and Links
In Arizona, the resources available for men who
have sex with men (and other gay, lesbian, bisexual
and transgendered individuals) may depend on where
you live. If you live in a rural area, chances
are there won’t be a formal organization
for the MSM/GLBT folks in your community, so we’ve
listed some links, including some Arizona-based
chat rooms, for your use.
Maricopa County Resources:
Re-ac+:
A program for MSM, gay, bisexual, and curious
men. Sex, relationships, HIV, and more. Phoenix-based.
http://www.apaz.org/React/
Re-ac+
oversees a chat-room for HIV-positive and affected
men in the Phoenix area and beyond.
http://www.apaz.org/React/Chat/
Body
Positive: Has several different programs for MSM
with HIV. Phoenix.
http://www.phoenixbodypositive.org
The
best way to find out about Maricopa County’s
resources related to HIV/AIDS is to look through
the 2002-2003 Consumer Resource Handbook for Central
Arizona, which is available online at
http://www.apaz.org/pdf_documents/ConsumersHandbook2002-2003.pdf
Pima County Resources:
Wingspan:
Outreach and Services for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual
and Transgender Communities in Southern Arizona,
http://www.wingspanaz.org
Southern
Arizona AIDS Foundation: See the website or call
for information on MSM groups and resources.
http://www.saaf.org
The
best way to find out about Pima County’s
resources related to HIV/AIDS is to look through
the 2002 Resource Guide for Pima County. It is
not yet available online, but you can pick up
a copy at SAAF or at the Community Foundation
for Southern Arizona, which is at 2250 E. Broadway
in Tucson.
http://www.cfsoaz.org
Other
MSM Links:
Avert is a British organization
http://www.avert.org/homosexu.htm
Queer resources directory- all kinds of stuff
http://www.qrd.org/qrd/
Gay and lesbian medical association
http://www.glma.org./home.html
Chat room for gay positive men
http://www.gaypoz.com/
GLBT resources- G-rated
http://www.pridenet.com/
I nteresting data on AIDS stigma and homophobia
http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/index.html
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